Why It Stings When Your Teen Questions You (And Why That's Actually Good)

"I don't trust everything you say," my 16-year-old told me. Even though I know it's developmentally right, it still stung.

After 30 years teaching cooking to 50,000+ students, I've encouraged questioning in the classroom while struggling with it at home. 

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When our kids start questioning us, it feels like defiance - but it's actually them finding their voice, and that's exactly what we want.

"I don't trust everything you say."

That's what my 16 year old informed me this week.

Well, what he actually said was: "I'm at the age where I don't trust everything you say." And even though I know that's developmentally right on track, it still landed with a little gut punch.

For context, we had just left the dentist's office, where he'd been told he needs to brush his teeth more often. Like any mom, I echoed the advice as we walked out the door, and that's when he hit me with the one-liner.

And the real irony? Just a few days earlier, I was telling my teen baking class: You guys don't question enough. This is the time in your life to push back, to not accept everything I say at face value.

I encourage it in the classroom. I cheer for it when I see kids doing it. But when my own son throws it back at me in the most everyday way possible - about brushing his teeth - it lands differently.

That's the thing about growth. It doesn't always show up as a big philosophical debate. Sometimes it looks like your kid refusing to blindly take your word on dental hygiene. Sometimes it stings. Sometimes it makes you laugh. But either way, it means they're stretching into themselves. And as hard as it was to hear, I'm really happy he's finding his voice.

Why Does It Sting When Our Kids Question Us?

The uncomfortable truth is that most of us were raised to respect authority without question. "Because I said so" was the end of most conversations. We learned that questioning adults was disrespectful, that good kids complied, and that pushing back meant trouble.

So when our own children start questioning us, it can often trigger something deeper than just the moment at hand. It can feel like defiance because we were often taught that's what questioning was.

What We're Really Teaching

When we shut down questioning or get defensive about being challenged, we're inadvertently teaching our kids that:

Authority should never be questioned

Their thoughts and perspectives don't matter

It's safer to comply than to think critically

Good relationships don't involve disagreement

Here's What I Want to Remember

Pause and ask: Is this worth the battle, or do I just want to be right?

Pick battles wisely - Not every disagreement needs to become a power struggle

Recognize the difference between authority being challenged and them genuinely thinking for themselves

Ask: Are they actually wrong, or are they just thinking differently than I expected?

Learning to be okay with not being the ultimate authority on everything

Model how to disagree respectfully - Show them what healthy questioning looks like

Most of the time, when we dig deeper, it's about our ego more than their behavior. And that's exactly when we need to step back and let them stretch.

Kids need to find their voices. Because kids who find their voices turn into adults who don't have to go searching for them later. And if you're an adult who hasn't found yours yet, it's not too late. Learning to embrace it, to speak honestly, and to make space for others to do the same is what allows us to have real conversations.

Here's to curiosity. Here's to questioning. Here's to pushing back. And here's to remembering that the lessons we teach others will always circle back to us

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